I was contortioning my way through morning yoga – most poses are a challenge – when I heard the tail end of a radio ad. Something about underwear that will change your life. Seriously? Surely I was mistaken, but the thought of super power panties stayed with me for the duration of the Cat Pose. In all my years as a retailer, I’d never encountered gotchies that came close to such a claim. Assuming the Downward Dog, I recalled that even the exorbitantly priced ooh-la-la panties that I could fit into back in the day hadn’t promised earth-shattering changes to my life. By the time I hopped into a handstand (just kidding) I knew I’d have to Google these undercover agents.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that these life changing underwear were for MEN. I scanned the spiel. Catchwords you’d expect – comfortable ballpark, less friction, breathable, yada yada yada. So this is supposed to be life changing? The next bit got my attention. The manufacturer touted a 3-D hammock-shaped pouch to keep every little thing – my words not theirs – in place. They even had a picture of the briefs flaunting their patented design of the three little ‘hammocks’. Honestly, how much time could I waste on checking out men’s underwear? But, still …
Intrigued, I was tempted to ask hubby for his thoughts on these magic moulders but something held me back. The image of his scrunched up expression and exasperated ‘What are you talking about now, Phyllis’. His typical response to all my curious questions. I’m telling you this man has no patience for drivel. He drives me crazy.
In the reviews, men raved about their new revolutionary briefs and heatedly denounced the ever shifting and bunching unmentionables of yore. Since when did men get their shorts in a knot over…well, their shorts. Feeling totally out of touch, I texted my son. Do you know about this underwear, I asked. Never heard of them, he said. So obviously, he’s out of the loop, too. Either that or he’s beyond discussing his underwear with his mother. A real possibility.
The company guarantees that their wonder briefs will transform how you feel. They go so far as to offer a full refund. It makes me question what the stores do with returned undies, if there are any. They certainly can’t put them back on the shelf, so they must return them to the company. What does the company do with them? It’s ridiculous to think these rejects would be re-packaged and… No, that’s not even possible.
This whole life changing underwear debacle was getting to me. Surely there’s underwear out there that will transform a woman’s life. And if there isn’t, why isn’t there?? We have undergarments that lift, separate, hold you in, push you up, enlarge your boobs, and shape your butt, but none claims to change your life. I kept googling.
Then I found some customer reviews from women that claimed the underwear they wore really had changed their life. I read on. They were talking about thong panties. Yagottabekiddin. The only thongs I wear go between my toes. One person commented that wearing thong underwear makes her feel confident and ready to conquer the world. I’ll stick with my red lipstick, thanks.
Just because there are no life altering panties for me doesn’t mean my husband shouldn’t experience the euphoria. Valentines Day is coming. Though he’s been wearing the same brand of underwear for as long as I’ve known him, maybe I’ll splurge on a $30 or $40 pair of frictionless briefs. He hates change, but there’s always the money-back guarantee.