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The lighter side of things

Brian Keelan's picture
Tue, 11/28/2017 - 16:05 -- Brian Keelan

How Canadians make people crazy

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured and sentenced to be executed by a firing squad. The enemy leader visited them on the eve of their execution and told them, “Before we execute you, you will be allowed to say your last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about.”

With a very stiff upper lip, the Englishman replied, “I wish to speak about loyalty and service to the crown.”

The Canadian replied, “I want to talk about the history of an orderly constitutional process in Canada that affords special status within the framework of that constitution. From there I will delve into the notion of a distinct society for the purpose of exploring the general concepts of uniqueness within diversity and from there I will move on to self-rule within the context of institutional continuity.”

The American replied, “Please, just make sure you shoot me before that Canadian guy starts talking.”

The major difference between a Canadian and an American

A Canadian not only has a sense of humour, he also knows how to spell it.

A great Canadian nails it

Dave Broadfoot at Montreal’s Just For Laughs festival:

*“In Canada, you can’t vote if you’re insane, but… you can get elected!”

*“The main difference between Canadians and Americans is that in a recent election in Iowa, only 10% of the voters even turned out while in a recent election in Quebec, 110% of the voters turned out.”

How to get a job in Canada

A young man from Victoria, BC was hired to be the pool lifeguard at the Prime Minister’s residence at 24 Sussex Drive. The Trudeau family was making use of the pool when one of their children encountered some difficulty and cried for help. The lifeguard ignored the cries, so the Prime Minister himself had to plunge into the pool to rescue the boy.

Afterwards, Justin grilled the lifeguard. “What’s the matter with you? Didn’t you see that my son was in trouble?”

The lifeguard smiled and told him, “Yes, sir. I did.”

“Well then… why didn’t jump in and help him?” the PM asked.

The lifeguarded smugly answered, “That’s easy sir. I can’t swim.”

The Prime Minister was stunned as he said, “You can’t swim! How did you ever land a job as a lifeguard?”

With a look of righteous indignation, the man puffed his chest out and replied, ‘’That’s easy monsieur, I’m bilingual.”

When the Canadian honeymoon is really over

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove in Atlantic Canada. It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over. On Saturday night―about halfway through the hockey game―Alan realized that he only had two beers and five cigarettes left so―not wanting to miss any of the hockey game―he asked Sandra if she would walk across the ice-covered cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

When she asked him for some money, he told her, “Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won’t mind.”

So, Sandra―being a most excellent Canadian wife―walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the ice-covered cove.

When she got home she said, “Alan, you’re always telling me not to run up the tab at Stacey’s store so why didn’t you just give me the money to pay for the beer and smokes?”

Alan replied, “Well, Sandra, I didn’t want to send you out there with cash when I wasn’t sure how thick the ice was!”

A great Joke to tell your kids?

A father tells his 15-year-old son, “Marv, I am truly sorry to have to tell you this but… you were adopted.”

Marv says, “Well to tell you the truth Dad, I kind of always sensed that. Is there any way I can meet my biological parents!”

 The father says, “We are your biological parents Marv. Now then, pack your bags kiddo, your new parents are picking you up in twenty minutes.”

Finally… a great musical joke

A letter, addressed “To the world’s greatest drummer”, arrives at the home of Louie Bellson.  

He takes one look at it, and says, “Well, this is obviously not for me”, and forwards it to Gene Krupa.
Krupa takes one look at it, and he says, “Well, this is obviously not for me”, and he forwards it as well.  

The letter makes the rounds of famous drummers’ homes, until it finally winds up at the home of Buddy Rich.

Buddy takes one look at it, and says, “Well, this is obviously for me.”

He rips it open, and reads...

 “Dear Ringo”.....

Rodney Dangerfield

“Someone stole all my wife’s credit cards. I won’t be reporting it though. So far the thief is spending less than my wife did.”

Best Golf Joke of 2017

Phil and Mike are on the putting green

Mike says, “Hey Phil, isn’t that a new putter you’ve got there?”

Phil says, “Yep.”

Mike asks, “What happened to your old putter?”

Phil smiles and replies, “It couldn’t swim.”

Best business joke of 2017

A very successful businessman, with a rather plain-looking daughter, was quite relieved when she finally met a young man and married him.

After they returned from their honeymoon, he had a meeting with his new son-in-law and told him, “I love my daughter very much and now I want to welcome you into the family. To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a fifty percent partner in my business. All you have to do is come to the factory every day and learn the operation.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “Oh I couldn’t do that. I hate factories. I can’t stand all the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you can work in the office and take over the administration of the business.”

“No way I’m doing that!” said the son-in-law, “I hate office work,” “I can’t imagine anything worse than being stuck behind a desk.”

A little exasperated, the father-in law said, “Now wait just a minute here. I just made you half owner of a large, money-making operation, but you don’t like factories and you won’t work in an office. What do you suggest I do with you?”

“Simple,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”

Best Christmas joke of 2017

It was Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. A man and his wife were doing some last-minute shopping. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised to look up and see that her husband was nowhere to be seen so, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, “Honey, you remember that jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”

The wife choked up and tears came to her eyes as she remembered the incident clearly. She said, “Yes darling, I remember that jewelry store… very well.”

He said, “Great… I’m in the bar right next to it.”

An interesting lesson

Many years ago, I was in High Point North Carolina at the annual Furniture Market. I was looking to buy a low-priced Bruer’s chair for our furniture store to retail at $29. All the chairs I could find in Canada were in the eighty-dollar range. I scoured the entire market and after two exhausting days of walking the showroom floors, I finally found one. I got all the information and took it back to my room where I agonized all night long as to whether or not I should make the ‘buy’ since in order to get the best price, I would have to buy two hundred and fifty of them and it would cost me over ten thousand dollars before I got them all up to Canada and if they broke down I wouldn’t have any guarantees to back me or my customers up. We would not only lose money but our reputation would suffer.

But, if they were good chairs, then this was a heck of a deal and we would make some good money while offering our customers a great value. A true win-win type of thing.

The next morning, I went back to the showroom for one more look. I told the salesman what my reservations where and asked him if this was a good chair. He looked at me as if he totally understood my predicament and with his kind, worldly smile he told me, “Kid, you buy a twenty-nine-dollar chair, that’s what you get!”

I didn’t buy that twenty-nine-dollar chair. That same salesman sold me a forty-nine-dollar chair and I only bought a hundred or them. But I bought over five hundred of them over the next year though. Did well. Very well.

What’s the lesson here?

The lesson here comes from John Ruskin…

“There is scarcely anything in the world that some man cannot make a little worse, and sell a little more cheaply and the person who buys on price alone is this man’s lawful prey.”

John Ruskin is credited with saying this but it is not found written in any of his works. Maybe he just told it to his grandchildren.

You should tell it to yours.

Merry Christmas

PS: If you would like some more of these jokes or you are looking for a great $15-dollar Christmas present, my latest joke book: 400 Jokes You Can Tell Anybody is available at The Book Keeper in Northgate plaza.


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