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2018 “Best Quotes”

Brian Keelan's picture
Mon, 12/03/2018 - 11:32 -- Brian Keelan

In the spirit of the season
Definition: Claustrophobia – fear of fat people in red suits.

Bill Waterson (Calvin and Hobbes)
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists somewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”

William E. Simon
“Bad politicians are sent to Washington by good people who don’t vote.”
F.Y.I… That doesn’t just happen in Washington. Brian Keelan

Rita Rudner
“They usually have two tellers on duty at my bank. Except when it’s busy. Then they have one.”

Gary Shandling
“I’ll never run for office because I’m afraid no woman will come forward and claim she had sex with me.”

Joseph Stalin
“The people who vote decide nothing. The people who count the votes decide everything.”

From the movie “Wayne’s World”
“In some countries, marriage is used as a punishment for shoplifting.”

Orson Welles
“My doctor told me to stop having those intimate little dinners for four, unless there were three other people with me.”

Miss Piggy
“Never eat more than you can lift.”

Red Buttons
“Awww… the garden of Eden: where Eve once asked Adam, ‘Does this leaf make me look fat?’”
“George Washington… who once said to his father, ‘But if I never tell a lie, how can I get to be president?’”

“You never appreciate what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.”

Andy Rooney
“Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.”

Andy Dappen
“Conversation takes place when three people are talking. Gossip takes place when one of them leaves.”

Sally Berger
“You never see a fish on the wall with it’s mouth shut.”

Allison Pearson
“The great thing about unrequited love is that it’s the only kind that lasts.”

Rita Rudner
“I asked my husband if he wanted to renew our marriage vows. He got all excited because he thought they had expired.”

Judith Viorst
“When he is late for dinner and I know that he is either having an affair or lying dead in the street, I always hope he’s dead.”

Bill Dwyer
“My wife and I took out insurance policies on each other, so now it’s just a waiting game.”

Alan King
“Marriage is just nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.”

Groucho Marx
“I remember the first time I had sex. I still have the receipt.”

Larry The Cable Guy
“My least favourite names for strippers are Edna, Bertha, Gertrude and Walter.”

Catherine Aird
“If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.” (Used in my book: How To Quit Smoking and Save Your Life)

Carolyn Warner
“Years ago, fairy tales began with, ‘Once upon a time.’ Now it’s, ‘If I’m elected…’”

Matt Berry
“It isn’t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”

Professor Irwin Corey
“If we don’t change direction soon, we’ll end up where we are going.”

“If you want your wife to listen to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.”

Wendy Liebman
“My mother was a ventriloquist. For ten years I though my dog was telling me to kill my father.”

Dana Snow
“When I asked my mother if I was adopted, she said, ‘Not yet but we’ve placed an ad.”

Jesse Andrews
“Children will quote you correctly only if it is something you wish you hadn’t said.”

Aldous Huxley
“Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.”

Abbie Hoffman
“If people were forced to eat what they kill, there would be no more war.”

Headline in “The Onion”
Christianity Celebrates One Billionth Unanswered Prayer.

Charly Reese
“Have you ever wondered, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?”  (I sent this to Justin. bk)

Sydney J. Harris
“When I hear somebody sigh that life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”

“If you can’t say something good about somebody… make sure they’re not around when you say it.”

Emo Philips
“I loaned a friend $8,000 for cosmetic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.”

Jerry Seinfeld
“How can women pour hot wax on their legs then pull their hair out by the roots and still be afraid of a spider?”

Stephen Colbert
“In the health-care area, the government has unveiled their ‘Get-Tough-On-Sick-People; policy.”     

“If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed.”      

Henry Ford
“If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.”
Jim Rohn
“You can’t hire someone to do your push-ups for you.”

Maya Angelou
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Brian Keelan
My favourite name for a boat: Never Again III.

W.C. Fields
“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”
That is my favourite quote from: 400 Jokes You Can Tell Anybody (available at The Book Keeper)

Some of these quotes are serious and some of them are just funny but all of them made me say to myself, “You know, that’s a really good point.” That’s just my opinion, I could be wrong and if you think I am, well… Merry Christmas anyway.

And wouldn’t it be nice if...
 “Well, we have a whole new year ahead of us. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all be a little more gentle with each other, a little more loving, and have a little more empathy. Then maybe, next year at this time we’d like each other a little more.”
Judy Garland


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